Spiritual melt down

This week has been quite the journey.  I have had a spiritual melt down leading to discoveries.  I finally figured out what has held me back all these years.  Fear and Shame.  Wow!  I finally understand why I have never felt like I fit.  I’ve waited for people to figure out that I am a fake. You know, the fake it till you make it group?  I have never felt like I belonged or fit in, or was worthy enough.  All this stems from childhood abuse that has colored every thought and choice I have made throughout my life and taken my joy and built walls to keep out everyone.

Again, I was watching Oprah’s Super soul Sunday and Brene Brown the featured guest.  She wrote “Daring Greatly”  That was what the discussion was on.  Again I have had an “ah ha” moment.  First, let me share my gratitude.  As Brene shared, you can’t have joy without gratitude.   And all of it is a choice…it means daily, hourly, monthly practice.  So, I am grateful for being led to create this Blog.  At first it was just something to do. Back then I did not know it would be crucial to my own healing.

I am an avid talker.  I have always said that there are no pregnant pauses when I am around.  I didn’t know how true that really is until now.  I am also a published author.  so words come naturally to me.  I didn’t realize that I use words to build walls to keep from having to risk judgement and pain.  If I just talk enough, not letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, I can protect myself from not being good enough.  Don’t give ’em an opportunity to find fault or criticize, or cause me any uncomfortable moments. Just keep talking.

This blog affords me a way to have to read the comments of others, but from a safe place.  However, it also provides a way for me to be vulnerable.  According to Brene, vulnerability is the key to everything…especially intimacy.  And that is what I’ve been lacking in my life because of the walls.    I have kept everyone at arms length.  It’s safer that way because I have felt that once they really get to know me, they will be disappointed and abandon me.  That has been my actual experience.  I did not know that I was creating that self fulfilling prophecy by building the walls. Of course when they would walk away I would say, “see, I was right.  I am not good enough”. I’d lay the bricks a little higher.

I put myself out on the line here, risking rejection.  I show up here.  I put myself in the arena and share my most inner feelings.   However, I am not alone.  For I realize that there are at least several people who have had similar experiences, feelings of not being good enough, or paralyzing fear that has stopped them from doing what they have always wanted to do.  In that I am never alone.

And as far as God is concerned, her couldn’t possibly care about me.   I wouldn’t let him.  I rejected every time he reached out to me with signs or got me where I needed to be, or made sure I had a roof over my head and opportunities laid in my path.  I didn’t accept that it was because he loved me, because I was unlovable.    I couldn’t accept it because I knew that it was not true.

Well, He finally kicked me square in the butt and triggered a spiritual melt down.  I’m sure he gets exasperated with me and gives me that swift kick to get my attention.  He did that this week.  My first inclination was to just give up and give in and pack up and move back to live with my daughter, not a good idea at all.  Don’t get me wrong…I love her but I shouldn’t be living with her.  And, I quickly got the idea that while she would allow it and tolerate me there, it wouldn’t be her first choice either.  Now, that hurt.  I felt like a failure.

I felt like I was stuck and had no place to go and no one cared.  Yes, I took it personally.  Once again I had been rejected and I was not loveable.  Not even to my own daughter.  So, I fell into a deep depression  filled with anxiety and fear and worry.  I wallowed for a few days and then I watched the Oprah show.  There was the answer.  There was what I had needed all these years.  And there was my salvation.  I had been living with shame and fear….oh yes…lots of fear.  There was a moment several years ago when I told myself I would never again let fear stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

Easier said than done.  I had no coping skills.  I didn’t know how not to be afraid.  It was programed into my DNA.  So, it was easy to fall back into the old patterns.  Einstein once said that insanity was doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result.  (I am paraphrasing).  Well, I have been insane and I didn’t know how to even begin to change it.  I felt that having to pay someone to listen to me was for losers.  I even thought how lame I was that I had no one in my life who was willing to listen.  I had to fork out money to pay someone to do it.  I felt shame and fear.

Well, therapy is good for everyone every once in a while.  It is not for losers.  It doesn’t make me lame.  It simply means that I need a bit of help to figure things out…someone who is not close to the situation and who doesn’t have emotional baggage connected to it.  Someone who can see through the emotions.  Someone who doesn’t have to take any risks in the situation and can render unbiased help.

When I heard that Brene Brown had needed therapy for a year and a half after writing her book, I kind of laughed.  She was the person writing the book but didn’t actually live the life she was telling everyone else to live.  What was interesting was that she recognized and was smart enough to put the book aside for that time and got herself into therapy until she was convinced that she could finally walk the talk.  Smart woman.  That let me know that we are all walking wounded.  That we are all in the same boat.  We are all damaged in some way or another and that we need to deal with first ourselves with compassion and kindness and then practice and teach what we have learned.

I am so glad you are all taking this journey with me and if I can help one person with their own healing I will have been a success.  Thank you so much for listening to me.  I will let you know how my journey is going, knowing that I am not alone along the path.

Chris

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~ by womenstudycenter on March 10, 2014.

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