Long time ago everything you ever imagined was all very real

March 26, 2013

It’s been about two years since I wrote here… I must apologize for this lapse.  Two years ago March 20th, my husband passed away and I have been struggling ever since.  I am finally in a better place.  Yes, it can take a long time for some.  A shorter time for others.  There is no magic number where grief is concerned.

I look back now from this point in time and shake my head at the journey I have been on.  It almost doesn’t seem real.  That life, that person doesn’t exist anymore.  But who am I, really?

I’ll give you a brief synopsis of the last two years:  He passed away in his sleep.  Held a memorial.  Dealt with bills, mortgage, debts, probate, refinance, cleaning out his things, finding out I wasn’t on the mortgage, mortgage company would not refinance, he didn’t believe in insurance,  living on Social security and a pension, Good military insurance, youngest daughter and two teens living with us for 9 years, now what?  Realizing I didn’t have a life, found out things about my husband I didn’t know.  Nothing scandalous, but financially a problem,  moved my daughter and her children into an apartment near the university where she was getting her masters and working part-time, I pay her rent.  Decided to move to Florida where my brother-in-law had a winter home.  His wife died shortly after my husband and he was selling his trailer.  I bought it.  Found out no one would help me move….no one.  Suddenly friends and family were very busy.  I packed and loaded my car with boxes and brought them down to Florida where I had to help my brother-in-law pack so he could go back to Wisconsin and I could start moving in.  One daughter came down a couple of times and took the big furniture, which I could carry in my car, to storage to wait until they could drive the 7 hours back to get the furniture for themselves.  I packed and drove back and forth many times….7 hours back and forth to Florida.  All the while having a nervous breakdown and spending some time in therapy.  It helped.  Also did the antidepressants and the anti-anxiety meds.  After one week in trailer water heater fell through floor…air conditioner went out, washer and dryer went out…(bought the place furnished), now fridge is going out as well as tv, mine.

In the two years I went from taking only antidepressants to now taking a hand full of meds.The first 18 months was a killer.  It did almost kill me but I am here and working very hard to reverse as much of the damage that was caused by all the stress and tears and sitting in a chair doing nothing.    Two years are all it took, and it made me sick…litteraly.

I’m here in Florida.  I finally have a life.  I talk to my teenage grandson every Sunday after the NASCAR race cause we are both fans.  I live 20 minutes from Daytona, the beach, I’m in a great place and making lots of friends.  I am now the HOA’s secretary and create the park’s monthly news letter.  I volunteer at a church owned thrift shop twice a week.  I do a lot of church activities and am now a teacher in Sunday school.   And, yes, I do play bingo every Friday night.

I turn 65 here this summer and I am beginning to feel better than I have in a long time.  The mortgage company has just taken possession of the old house and a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders because of that, not to mention not having to pay house insurance or pay the utilities for it.  I can now focus on just me and do anything I want.  My choice.  That is real freedom.  I still don’t have an over abundance of money but I am comfortable.  I am becoming happy and content with my life.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel after the death of a spouse, but for each person it is a personal journey and only the person going through it can say when the grieving ends and the living starts.  Mine has started.

I will try and catch you all up on things in more detail because I discovered and learned things many women don’t know and should.  And not knowing can hurt you.

Thanks for hanging in with me

Chris

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~ by womenstudycenter on March 26, 2013.

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