One of the Last Obstacles that hung me up- My Weight

Here I am, naked in front of you…not really, but almost.  I have struggled with one major obstacle all my life that has plagued me.  It has hindered me.  It has stopped me.  It has affected all parts of my life for the worse.  It has been my weight issues.  When I seemed to drop off the face of the earth it was all sorts of things popping up and slapping me in the face and saying…”Deal with me!”  The weight seemed to be the last bastion I needed to conquer.  While it was a biggy, it was just one of many that had reared their ugly heads again to trip me up.  This happens.  Just when you think you got it covered, here it comes again.  So, while weight is a really big one, it is not alone. There was an entire hoard of things that descended upon me and all demanding attention at once.

You remember me talking about the Universe List.  I made one.  It is the place I listed all my desires, needs, and wants.  I remember saying, “Be careful what you ask for, because you might just get it!”  I should have heeded my own warning.  In making my list I am sure I had a clear-cut idea of how the Universe would answer my requests.  Not!  I failed to take into consideration that the Universe does not answer to me.  I answer to it.  Therefore, the Universe decides how things will be and how they will happen and when and by what means.  It is truly a lesson in letting go and letting the Universe take care of things.  You see, once we ask for something, we have only enough control to be dangerous.

Let’s just say that one of the things I asked for was to be able to operate the Women’s Study Center without becoming a non-profit.  I need enough income to be able to operate it with my own means.  Now, that may seem like a simple request.  I failed to comprehend the complexities involved in this simple request…complexities that would take me on a journey not of my own choosing.  It all started when I discovered a Reiki healing Circle just one hours drive from home.    I had this feeling that it was something I needed to look into.  I had been struggling with some health issues for about a year and I thought that perhaps this would be of some help to me.  Little did I know that it would change my life forever in so many ways.

Reiki is an ancient Chinese Healing art. It is not a religion.   It has been performed for thousands of years. It is in the class of things like acupuncture, martial arts, Feng Shui, herbal medicine, and other similar oriental art forms.   It is fairly new to our country and is labeled, along with other New Age things, as almost occult…certainly something to be wary of.  The idea of Reiki was a mystery and I wanted to find out more.  I attended the Healing Circle.  It took place in a small room inside an Unitarian Church.  They provided the space for us and we donated at the end of the meeting to cover expenses of heating, cooling and electricity.  We all gathered around a portable reflexology chair that was placed in the center of the room.  The light was low as only candles lit the room.  Spiritual music,  something fairly soft and relaxing, called Angel Kisses, was playing on the CD Player in the corner.  A Master Reiki practitioner led the circle.  She was also a pastor.  Those who were practitioners gathered around as the rest of us watched.  Each in turn, we placed ourselves in the chair and let them perform their healing art upon us as well as for each other .

I don’t think I have ever been so relaxed, so at peace, so utterly content or truly happy.  If that is what God’s love feels like, I want to feel that every day of my life.  I felt unconditionally loved.  Jesus showed his love to his disciples by washing their feet.  This unselfish display of servitude is just what the women who practiced Reiki were doing for me.  They gave of themselves unconditionally that I might feel the healing love of God through their hands and heart. After my experience while I was still laying in the chair, I felt hands on each side of my chest as if gently hold me from sitting up.  I opened my eyes.  Not one person had their hands anywhere near me.  They had stopped, yet I could feel the presence of someone still there.  I can only tell you that it was some heavenly helper who was there with them and who was administering to me during the session.

I seldom share my religious beliefs with anyone because I believe that religion is personal and should be kept between you and God.  So when I talk of these spiritual things it is not based on religion but a spiritual nature and the mysteries of the Universe.  I probably will not mention this subject often.  However, it is an important part of my awakening.  Reiki does not just heal the body, but the mind and the spirit as well.  I’m not sure when the awakening happened, but let me just say that one day I noticed that my entire attitude had changed about myself, my body, my weight, my responsibility to myself.  Something inside me had changed.  Suddenly I was determined to get this weight off.  It had hindered my joy and my spirit all my life.  The weight was a symptom of something much more than just pounds of fat.  It was a manifestation of the pain, the fear and the shame that had developed in my childhood as a result of molestation.   At 61 I was still carrying the wounds of that time in my life.   And here I had thought I had dealt with it and put it behind. I was still using it to protect me.  However, that protection was a prison I had woven for myself.  While it probably did protect me back in my childhood, because the perpetrator stopped after I had gained so much weight that I went from a normal size 6th grader to 180 lbs by 7th grade, it had become a way of life that would be my cage, my protector, my way of not being hurt in the world.  And, now it was preventing me from being the person I really was.  How could I counsel others if I could not resolve these issues myself?   Apparently The Universe knew what I needed and set about bringing it to the forefront so I could really deal with it so I could get on with my life.

It has been several months since that fateful day.  It wasn’t an instantaneous thing.  However, I am on the move toward my weight goal.  My lifestyle and eating habits have changed, and all without much effort on my part.  It is as if the person I was and the person I am today are two entirely different people.  I, who have always hated exercise, is in the gym six out of seven days a week.  My brain and my body finally melded and I know that in order to live the kind of life I want and to be healthy and live a quality life, I have to incorporate exercise in my life.  It is not a choice for me.  It is necessary and a priority.    My eating has changed.  I do not live to eat.  I eat to live.  Therefore, once I stopped stuffing the feelings and trying to fill up the holes with food, I didn’t need to eat like I did.  I didn’t die because I stopped eating that second helping.  I didn’t die because I cut out sugars in my diet, which reduced my blood sugar and will help me to reduce the effects of my diabetes, which I brought on because of my out of control eating habits.  In fact, I have read lately that the less you eat the longer you live.  So, it behooves me to eat less if I want to stick around longer.

What did happen is I began finding productive things to do to fill up the holes.  This blog, for instance.  It is important and now I can stand up and teach what I know without feeling like a fake.  I can walk the walk, not just talk the talk.  That is empowering!  I no longer blame others for my unhappiness.  I think I even found a bit of forgiveness in there somewhere.  If I want something, I need to make it happen.  I can’t control others but I can control myself.  I can’t decide for others what is important to them, but I can make my needs known and then do everything in my power to obtain it.

Reiki has taught me that not everyone wants to heal.  There are benefits in not healing.  There are payoffs for remaining sick or depressed or pitiful.  And, I can’t force people to be healed.  That is between them and God and only they can work it out.  I am but a tool.  God is the one who heals.  I can be his instrument but I can’t effect a person’s mind or spirit.  Only he can.  I am learning to detach from the outcome and let everyone experience their own outcome based on their needs and understanding.

I am also learning to say “No”.  Door mats are not respected, they are just walked on.  So, Setting firm limits and boundaries are important.  This is coming easier to me also.  I’m not willing to sacrifice my needs for those of others where there is no benefit to me.  Now that can be physical benefit, spiritual benefit, or mind benefits.  I guess what I am saying is helping those who could help themselves is not helping, it is crippling them.  So learning not to help too much is a benefit in many ways and I do not feel used in the process if I feel the other person appreciates the help and is doing everything they can to change their life in the meantime.

So, there you have it.  My awakening.  My personal nakedness.  Where’s my towel?  It’s cold in here… LOL!  I am presently a first level Reiki practitioner.  I want to have a second level atunement soon so that I can do remote healing.  I am convinced that Reiki is an answer to my Universe list.  I’m not sure yet where it will fit in but for now, I am content in investigating it more and making it a part of my life.  I have no doubt that it works and that with it I can help to heal myself in many ways I hadn’t known before.   So for  now…..

…Welcome back!  The light is on and I am ready to start again.  This time I am on a road of finding out who I am now, investigation, and empowerment.  Who you are changes as you age.  I am nothing like I was at eight.  I am nothing like I was at 16.  I am nothing like I was at 30.  I am 62 now and I need to get to know that me.  The me of the present.

Thanks for dropping in!




~ by womenstudycenter on August 28, 2010.

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