Leaping the Rift – A Journey of Healing and Hope

The Women’s Study Center is a place of healing and empowerment.  The purpose of The Women’s Study Center is to provide support, counsel, and the education needed for women to be able to heal from their physical, spiritual, and mental wounds.  By learning to take care of themselves in this holistic way, they can be empowered.  This will allow them to move forward with dignity and confidence towards a bright future.

“Women In Motion” is a workshop program I created to help women find their true self.

Your first Assignment: Breathe! Breathe deeply and often. We tend to be shallow breathers–as if we must apologize for our very existence.  So Breathe! Breathe as if your life depends on it–because it does.

My Universe List

I want to give my friend Rita credit for this Universe List.  What is a Universe List?  It is a list that you make of all your wants and needs. “Write it down, make it happen”…The is the name of a book you must read! You keep adding to your list and crossing off those things that come to pass.  You read them at least once each day.  Your wants and desires and needs can’t be given to you unless you let the supreme being know what you desire.  This is just one way of accomplishing that.  There are other ways to accomplish this like using prayer, but for today, we will talk about the Universe List.

Have you ever wondered how all your wants and needs will be provided?  Well, this list is a leap of faith that you believe that if you put it out into the Universe, you will be provided with it.  Yes, it may seem a bit gimmicky, but it helps to focus your thoughts.  Have you ever heard the saying that you are what you think?  Well, if you focus and think on the things you want or need, you are more likely to make decisions or do things that will bring these things about.  I guess you could say it is the power of positive thinking.  Think it and it will happen.

The Universe list works on the same premise.  I tried it for the first time this week and already things are in motion.  We went to Florida to visit family.  They just happened to live near where the space shuttle was going to be launched.  However, they canceled the launch due to bad weather but we decided to go ahead with our plans and to visit these family members that we hadn’t seen in a long time.  Not only did we have a wonderful visit, but an entire new way of thinking was opened to us.

My husband has wanted to see a launch for a long time.  It didn’t seem to work out.  However, what we gained by deciding to go anyway, was so much more than the experience of a launch could accomplish.  We’ll go again next year before they cancel the program.  However, we met people who knew how to get hold of boats as salvage that we can purchase for pennies and fix up for a vacation home.  Before this trip, this possibility would never been part of our possibility thinking.  Suddenly an entirely new path has opened up our life in ways we could never have imagined.

Once I wrote a letter to President Clinton.  I explained that part of the problem with our youth was lack of vision.  Without vision there is no hope.  Without hope there is dispare.  Those youth who know nothing but the few square blocks they live on have no vision.  They can’t think possibilities because no one has provided them with viable options they can visualize and know that they can accomplish.  They lose their way.

What I suggested was to take them out of the cities and get them out under the stars.  Let them board a ship and sail the oceans as hands on classroom.  I suggested that they be provided experiences they would never have otherwise been able to experience.  Let them ride horses, plant a garden and enjoy the fruits of their labor.  Let them plant trees, ride the rapids, camp in the forest.  Let them do all the things they might never do otherwise.  This will provide vision.  They can’t miss what they have never had.  It is their positive wants and desires that suddenly become possible that will motivate them to build rather than tear down their neighborhoods.

This is what the Universe list can do.  It will open you up to possibility thinking.  Think it and you become it.

When are you going to make your Universe list?

Expand your vision

I just got back from a few days in central Florida…DeLand, Deltona, Orange City, DeBerry area.  We stopped by the St. Johns Marina in DeLand on the St. Johns River to meet and visit with friends of my husband’s brother and his wife who live in Orange City.  If you ever drop by the St. Johns Marina, don’t forget to visit the Shady Oaks Bait and Tackle shop there and Let Chris or Jeff know that we sent you.  They also rent pontoon boats, have live bait, provide dockside service and have marine batteries.  Well, these young men are great!  They let us take a pontoon boat out on the river.  It was a marvelous experience!  The only time I have been to Florida was once to see Disney World and visit Sea World.  It was straight down and straight back and I never got to see the sights.

My idea of what Florida was all about turned out to be just that…my idea, not reality.  It was a very nice place.  These towns are about 20 minutes from the ocean.  They are near Orlando, South of Jacksonville.  Oh, and the St. Johns River…not like any river I’ve seen.  They are nothing like the rivers of the west.  They meander through swamps where thousands of birds live along with the manatee, gators, and turtles.  It is green and lush, and dotted with flowers everywhere.  Moss hangs from the trees.  It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.

Of the four days we were there, only one was cold and rainy.  The rest of the time it was warm and mostly sunny and wonderful for a mid-November day.  Chris and Jeff are looking for a boat for us to buy and remodel so that we can store it in a slip when we are not there, and enjoy boating in this tropical paradise when we vacation.  Slip storage is very inexpensive.  Of course when we are living on the boat, the expense goes up but for a vacation place, it is very reasonable.

I have volunteered to paint a mural on the wall in Chris’s bait and tackle shop.  So, the next time we head to Florida, I will be taking along my smock, paints, brushes, and vision and spend time painting.  I can hardly wait!  Jim is going to make me a portable easel to keep on the boat.

The point I want to make here is that if I had not accepted my sister-in-laws invitation to visit, (originally we were going down to see the launch of the space shuttle that was canceled due to weather), I would never have gotten this new vision of Florida.  My husband is Ex Navy and has been trying for years to convince me to live on a boat.  It was not part of my life experience and I just ignored his suggestion.  After my experience this week, I can actually see myself living, part-time, on a boat and traveling the water ways and perhaps even up the inter-coastal waterways.  This is paradigm shift for me.  So, before you cross things off your list of possibilities, check them out.  You may be pleasantly surprised.

 

Our Trip Out West- #1

We recently got back from our “too long” trip out to Oregon where I have family.  My mother, 86 and in poor health, needed some help making her home safer for her to live in.  We drove.  Won’t do that again!!!!!!  Next time, I fly to our destination.  I will plan much shorter trips.

We had been considering selling our home and moving back west.  We have been researching different places.  We decided to cruise through the South West and look at some places we’re interested in.  Unfortunately, I was recovering from a severe illness that had left me hospitalized for a time and I am afraid the trip was much to ambitious for both of us.

We had recently become aware of a little gadget that we decided to try out on our trip.  It was a Garmin GPS unit.  We chose the cheapest one we could find.   Without a doubt it made our trip so much easier and less stressful.  It was worth every penny we paid for it.  I would recommend it to anyone who travels or is planning on traveling.  The voice  that directs you is pleasant, though she can be a nag if you make a wrong turn.  But, don’t fret.  She will have you back on track in no time.  It took a bit of getting used to, though.

The first thing is that you have to let go and let her direct you.  99% of the time, she knows what she is doing.  We second guessed her at times and got ourselves off track.  My husband would even argue with her.  She became like a third person traveling with us.  It was kind of funny.  However, as will all technical gadgets, there were a couple of times when she didn’t know where she was going but we managed to get ourselves turned back around and back on track.  Those were few and far between and due to new roads being built etc.

One thing we want to warn you about is she, (we called her Carmen), seemed to take us on all the back roads.  We went places we had never heard of before.  However, this was a blessing.  We were off the beaten path and we saw places we would never have seen if we had not trusted her to get us to our next destination.  We drove I-40 to Texas where we picked up a US highway that would take us to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico via Roswell, New Mexico.  That was a very pleasant trip! We drove through  the little town of Clovis, New Mexico where they have to military bases and a Veteran’s Hospital.  That is one place I want to go back to and check out when we have time.  It is a cattle and grain town.  It was quiet, beautiful, green, and relaxing.  I saw the biggest feed lot I have ever seen!  Silos and granaries were everywhere.  We drove along side a train track filled with grain cars, car carriers, cattle cars, etc, for miles and miles before coming to Clovis.  They even have a cheese factory there.  If we had not used the GPS, we would never have had that experience.

What do you think of when I mention the name, Roswell?  I think of a small rural town with one cafe, a few colorful locals and the infamous Roswell UFO sighting.  Well, you would be wrong.  That town is quite large!  They have a military academy there and walkways over the roads from the school to the soccer fields.  We never did find the UFO cafe.  But, we did take pictures of my husband sitting on a bench at the local Wal-Mart with aliens standing behind him.  Quite cute the way they have used their infamy for local color.

We checked out Truth Or Consequences.  I found it artsy, but a jumbled mess.  Trashy trailers and homes lumped together, with postage stamped yards mingled with beautiful homes.  I felt claustrophobic.  We had thought that lack of zoning would be something we would enjoy, but it was just too unkempt and chaotic for my taste.  I couldn’t be creative there.  This is just my opinion though.  We were surprised to find that we did like a little structure in our lives after all.

We then headed west out of town via the GPS.  It was a quiet drive and hardly any traffic. That made the drive quite enjoyable.  We stopped a small unique cafes along the way and took in the sites.  We passed the SETI array, (something we were interested in), which we hadn’t expected to see.  We even discovered Smokey Bear Boulevard high up in the mountains.  This was the place where they had rescued the tiny baby bear many years ago from a fire there.  He became the well known Smokey Bear.  There is a monument there and we ate at the Smokey Bear Cafe.   It was fun!

On that drive we discovered the Petrified Forest.  We drove through and got wonderful pictures and even bought a few souvenirs.

We finally converged with I-40 again and headed for Idaho Falls where we both have family.  Visiting with family is always pleasant and we hadn’t seen them in a long time.  While we were there we stayed with my son.  He works for a wonderful mattress place called My Comfort.  They sell special mattresses like the ones used in burn units of hospitals.  They are made of a jell much like the jell used in Dr. Scholls jell inserts.  The way they are made and the jell used eliminates pressure points.  He had one on his bed and we slept on it.  Wow!  What a wonderful night’s sleep.  We went out and bought one.  I have never had such comfortable sleep.  It is a wonderful product!!!!!!!!!

While we were there we got to tour the giant wind turbine  farm that was up on the hill above Idaho Falls.  I stood no more than 50 feet from one of these giants.  It is virtually silent.  There is a minor hmm something like a plane engine in the distance, but it is not obtrusive, nor annoying in any way and we found the the view was not impacted negatively at all.  They become part of the background and don’t seem to be unsightly.  In fact, they are kind of beautiful when you see them from a distance.  We saw them in Oklahoma as well as Texas also.

I will share more of  our trip soon.  For now, let me sum it up for you.  If you travel, purchase a Garmin GPS.  It’s wonderful!  It made finding our way across the country less stressful and at times relaxing.  If you are struggling with finding a comfortable mattress, check out MY COMFORT in Idaho Falls.  They are on the internet also.  I recommend this mattress!  You are worth it!    Wind turbines are not intrusive, not noisy, and don’t seem to impact the view.

Bye for now, more of our trip later

Chris

A Comment caused me to re-read my post on Entegrity

Wow!  Did I need that!!!  I had to ask myself the question: “Am I protecting my children from the consequences of their actions, or in-actions?  It’s funny how we get so caught up in the drama of day to day living that we forget the important things.  This is especially true with grown children.  Especially ones who have moved back home.

Let me just say that I wouldn’t pass up these past five years for all the money in the world.  I have enjoyed my grandchildren and having my daughter here while she worked to obtain her degree.  However, there comes a time when it becomes very obvious that she needs to start creating a home of her own and we need to get on with enjoying the rest of our retirement.

I remember those final high school years when they stretched their wings in preparation to leave the nest.  At one time I thought that if they didn’t voluntarily leave home I was going to have to give them luggage for graduation and help them pack their bags.  Of course,  when they did leave I cried for a short time, but quickly adjusted to the empty nest.  Once again I am yearning for that empty nest.

My husband and I want to travel.  The problem, my daughter has gotten too used to having my husband and I here to take up the slack.  She has been able to go out with friends or not do the laundry because “Mom” was always there to fix everything.  I cooked, did all the cleaning, helped with homework, ran kids to activities and Dr. appointments.   I guess you can say we didn’t have very firm boundaries where her duties were and ours ended.  We just jumped in and helped where ever and how ever we could.  Well, it is coming back to bite me in the butt.  Well, the old saying: “We teach them how to treat us”, is  one we should heed.  Why should I suddenly be shocked when I try the tough love thing and stop doing all the things I used to do?  She was used to things being a certain way and now, they aren’t anymore.  Naturally she will try to will them back to the old familiar ways.  And, it IS true that things get worse before they get better.

I realize now that we don’t have very good lines of communications.  In fact, there is no communication.  When ever I try to discuss things, she quickly becomes defensive, attacks, and the discussion is over quickly and abruptly.  We retreat to our respective sides and the icy silence is blaring.  This was true this week.  It was quite an eye opening week for me.  The children know that if I set down restrictions, discipline or try to set down rules for them, all they have to do is call their mother on the phone at work and she will give in right away and tell them they don’t have to do what I say.  This is a bone of contention whose time has come.  The children don’t just ignore me, they announce proudly that they have just called their mom and that I’m in trouble and that I will be receiving a phone call from her about it.    Oooh, I bet you can tell where this went.

I must say, that I chose to be offended.  It’s a choice.  It’s a choice made from hurt, anger, frustration, and the feeling of being taken advantage of.  It is a choice made from feeling demeaned and disrespected in my own home.  It is not a nice feeling.  All I could think of is that I don’t have to put up with this anymore.  If she is not going to have my back, perhaps she should be doing this all on her own.  I tried to talk to her.  That is when she made the scathing announcement that I had no right to go on vacation and leave her and the children here to fend for themselves.  We had just come back from a long trip across country.  She also told me I could not make unilateral decisions concerning the children without talking to her first.  And, she is right.  However, I don’t think any of them know just what that means.  For me to stop making decisions for them would mean that their mother would have all the burden on her.  And, if she didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done, regardless of the consequences to the children.  She would have to start making her own doctor’s appointments.  The kids could not make plans with friends or to attend activities that were not planned ahead.  That is when I knew that it was time for her to find her own place to live.

We have not spoken all the rest of this week.   After counseling with others about the appropriate approach to this I found myself saying to my grandchildren, “You need to talk to your mom about that.  You need to make sure your mother knows about that.  No, I can’t let you go to the game because your mother took that authority away from me and without her permission, you can’t go.  If you are not feeling well you need to make sure your mother knows.”  My granddaughter said, “I told her.”  That meant that she knew that nothing would be done about it.  Sad really.  I guess the saying:  “Be careful what you ask for because you might just get it”,  is coming back to bite them, and unfortunately, the kids will take the brunt of it.

I think this is the toughest things I have ever done.   My first instinct is to jump in and save my grandchildren.  However, I must respect my daughter’s wishes and let her take her place back in their lives.  Someone once told me, “They have to learn to stand up in their own crap.”   I must led go and not rescue.  She needs her place back, even if she doesn’t want it back, really. She needs to learn to be a mother again and I need my life back.  In fact, my husband and I will be heading for Florida for a couple of days to visit his brother and to hopefully experience the final space shuttle launch of the year, (a thing my husband has always wanted to do before them stop them next year).   And, I’m not going to ask her permission.

I love my grandchildren and I love my daughter, but it is time for them to create their own little family unit and it is time for us to get out of her way.

Chris

The Chaos Field

“We create our own reality”.  Gee, where have I heard that before?  A friend just said to me that the difference in being comfortable, rich or poor is in the mind and the spirit.  Lately, I have been seeing this theory in ways I had not done so before.  I have started observing people and noticed that some people live in a chaos field.

One woman who I visit monthly to check on her and her family,  called me on the phone in tears.  Her husband, unemployed, needed to take a job application to a business 30 miles away and they didn’t have the gas.  She was beside herself with worry and fear.  Her husband, who just happened to be on parole after 16 years in prison for theft, had not been able to find a job.  She was working two jobs, and taking care of a grown daughter, who was contributing nothing to the household. The woman is just  recently married, (her new husband despite his prison term, treats her well).  However, she is at her limits emotionally, financially, and physically.

Another woman I know and have worked with on service projects within the community is going through her own trauma.  A couple of weeks ago she and her 6 children were stopped by the police for expired tags.  Now, the tags were no fault of hers due to a problem with the Department of Motor Vehicles  and a change in policy that she was not aware of.  However having no insurance was her problem.  Needless to say, she is one of those people who seems to fight authority in general, whether it is the local school system, the fact that she believes insurance is a scam and so she refuses to purchase it, or that everyone is just plain out to get her.  It is never her own fault.  Her personal spirituality is in as much chaos as is the rest of her life.    On top of not having insurance on her vehicle, she misunderstood the court date and did not appear and now, not only does she have a warrant out for her arrest, but she has had her driver’s license revoked until the fines are paid.  She is considering spending the 15 days in jail rather than pay the fines since she doesn’t have the money.  Her driver’s license will not be reinstated if she does this.

Yet, another woman I know is once again living without heat or lights because she takes no responsibility for her life.  She has chosen to live with an alcoholic for the past 20 years, blames him for it all,  and wonders why her life is in such chaos.

While I love these women, I share this with you because they are prime examples of creating their own Reality.  I have heard it said that “We think, therefore we are”.  I can’t give you the author of this.  It could be as simple as the glass half full vs the glass half empty theory.  Some people live right on the edge.  Let’s dissect the differences in thinking patterns.

What is the one thing that each of these three women have in common?    A Chaos Field– All three of these women seem to live a chaotic life.  This does not mean that they are bad people.  It just seems that no matter what they do, it all comes on glued.   I have my own moments of: “What was I thinking?”  I, (even knowing what I know right now), can take that seemingly Easy Road rather than face the issues and deal with them head on.  This is a human frailty and I am as guilty as the next woman.  However, “Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. Albert Einstein.  In helping others see past their perceived obstacles, I also help myself to move forward.

The adjectives that describe these women’s lives are: scattered, frenzied, worried, fearful, depressed, stressed, frustrated, chaos, unorganized, exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, paralyzed, stagnant, visionless, cluttered, stuck, hopeless… the list can go on.  All these adjectives describe someone who is going nowhere.  For years my only two fears were abandonment and lack of financial security.  I grew up desperately poor and to this day I find myself worrying about my own security.  That worry and fear has affected many of my decisions in life–some for the good, but many for the bad.  I can honestly say that there were times that I was so consumed with worry and fear about security that I didn’t enjoy my life.  It affected every aspect of my life.  “Security is mostly superstition.  It does not exist in nature nor do the children of men, as a whole, experience it.  Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than out right exposure.  Life is either Daring Adventure, or NOTHING” – Helen Keller

The following quote is something we need to embrace.

“All men and women are born, live, suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about… We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live.” Joseph Epstein

It is in the living that we have our worst problems in life.  We sabotage ourselves at every crossroads and at every turn.  We let our childhood experiences affect our present choices.  We let our anger control our behavior.  We let our fears stop us from trying new things and moving forward.  We let hopelessness create despair and we let that despair destroy our dreams.  We fail to organize our thoughts, our work,  and our homes.  We abandon our own personal responsibility for making our dreams come true.  We blame others for our misfortune rather than acknowledge our own actions or inaction for the outcome.  We take offense too easily.  We retaliate to readily.  We quit before we have even started.  We remain an observer rather than participate in life.  We live in squalor rather than clean up our personal spaces.  We fail to plan ahead and let life happen instead of acting upon it, in it and to life.  We tremble at change even if it means missing out on opportunities.  We admonish ourselves with negative self talk.  We care too much what others think of us and not enough about what we think of ourselves.  We isolate ourselves instead of surrounding ourselves with a rich and loving support group.   We self destruct when we should be thriving.

I feel that it all comes down to choices.  We react when we should be thinking through things.  I know for myself it has taken me a long time to be able to ask myself two important questions:  “If I do this, what is the worst thing that could happen?” Quite a few years back I discovered a wonderful book in a dusty old used book store.  I forget the author.  It is probably out of print now.  Its title was: “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living 365 days a year”.  That was one book I wish I could have in my library again.  Basically, the author explained that if we deal with the worst case scenario, anything less should be easy.  So, when I am not sure about something I ask the question.  Making a list of all the possible scenarios helps me to clarify the value I place on the possible outcomes.  If the good outweighs the bad, it can provide me with a plausible solution to my dilemma.  There are times when I find doing nothing the best idea.  I will explain later with a personal experience to explain this.

The second question is:  “Is what I am doing going to get me closer to my goal?” Once again, If you have a goal in mind, doing things that won’t advance you on that path to your goal is a waste of time, effort and money.  Having goals and keeping them in sight are important to transforming your life from chaos to calm and steady.  I will give you an example:  My husband as always wanted to live a life of leisure.  His idea of a quality life would be owning only a bicycle and carrying all his possessions in a box on the back of it.  He has alluded to wanting to live his life as a beach comber.  Responsibilities are the last thing that he really wanted in life.  Yet, he has had to work all his life.  Why, you ask?  Because despite wanting a responsibility free life, he also like things.  He is a spend thrift.  Money burns a hole in his pocket.  He has to fill his life with things; the latest techie gadgets, the latest kitchen gadget, the latest gadget period.  In order to buy things he has to work.  In order to work, he has to have responsibilities.  He has to make money, he has to work, and that means being a slave to earning a living.  These are two diametrically opposing needs at war with themselves.  So, to indulge the need for things he has sacrificed his yearning for a bicycle and a box.  He lives with his regrets to this day.   Had he asked the question, he might have found a way to have both by compromising.  He could have retired early if he had used fiscal restraint.  He might have been able to travel more if he had kept his wallet in his pocket a little more.  So, having things is not always a blessing.  First, you must have some place to house those things.  That takes money.  You have to clean and maintain those things.  That takes time and money.  And, when you run out of places to keep those things, you have to get a bigger place, which takes money.  There is a lot to say for a simpler life!

Now, back to the worst case scenario…recently, my daughter and I have been trying to get her son into a very innovative charter school that is about to open its doors for the first time.  This charter school entrance is based on parent participation.  Since my daughter has been in college and now working full-time, she has not been able to  do much in the way of volunteering to help get the school operating.  However, we work in tandem as a team.  Where there are gaps, my husband and I fill them.  It was logical for us to attend the meetings.  It was normal for us to attend parent/teacher conferences.  It was us who saw that homework was done.  It was us who provided transportation to and from school and to all extracurricular events.  It was us who acted in her absence for the past 5 years.  Without warning or any previous communication from the school board that hinted of a problem, she received a certified letter, return receipt requested.  It stated that her son’s admissions to this school was in jeopardy if she did not attend a particular meeting and join a committee.  It was impossible for her to attend this meeting.  Not only did they admonish her about failing to attend, they went as far as to state that no substitutes would be allowed.  Only parents were to attend.  We just looked at each other.  We both knew that she could not attend.  And, while I was prepared to attend, and had even contacted them about volunteering my own time in her stead, here they were invalidating my contribution while they put a gun to her head.  She just threw up her hands and gave up.  Yes, they provided a phone number to call and plead our case, but getting him into this school was becoming more like clawing and scratching to cement a place that wasn’t even guaranteed.

I thought about this for quite a while before writing my letter to the board.  Basically, I let them know how we felt about the certified letter, the veiled threats, the need for them to go to this length of sending a certified letter, and the invalidation of the contributions we make in his life even though I had volunteered in her stead.  We were one of those non traditional single parent extended families that they seemed to be weeding out.   The letter I got back from one of the board members was defensive, patronizing, and terse.  Basically, she told us that it was our fault that we had misunderstood the letter because we evidently hadn’t read it completely.  My first reaction was insult.  I wanted to lash out and let her know she was not dealing with a stupid person.  I wanted to tell her all the reasons why she was WRONG!  I wrote it and when I was done I saved it in draft.  I wanted to think on it before pushing the send button.  Yes, I am learning!!!!!!!

It is still sitting in draft.  I could send it and start a war of words and hurt feelings. That is the worse case scenario.   However, upon reflection, nothing I can say will change anything.  We as a family have decided that perhaps this school is not the wonderful opportunity we had at first thought.  We will use our limited resources and time to improve the educational opportunities here in the middle school that my grandson attends now.  We have battled for years in the local school system to improve things and this year is the first year he is really enjoying himself.  We know what we have and perhaps new is not always better.   We will remove his application from consideration and open up a spot for some other child who may need this opportunity more.  I won’t send the draft.  It will serve no purpose but to inflame emotions and insight a war.  Having made that choice, I feel a great weight lift from my shoulders.  I can feel disappointed, but know that this letter opened our eyes to flaws in our concepts of what the school was about.  It allowed us to make an informed decision as to whether we wanted him to attend or not.  I hold no animosity toward them because they can create any kind of school that they want.  We have a choice to send him or not.  We made a decision and it is their eventual loss.

I think it is time to explain the chaos field and why it is necessary to change our thinking to alleviate it.   Living in chaos, (on the edge), all the time expends a lot of energy that we could use for better things.  Take the first example of the woman married to the man just out of prison.  While he is good to her most of the time, he is also a drain on her resources, emotions, and health.  She now not only has to worry about herself and her grown daughter, but her new husband who is struggling emotionally with his unemployment.  While it is admirable that he wants to change his life and wants to provide for his new bride, his depression, his mood swings, his hopelessness is sapping her limited emotional resources, adding to her health problems through worry and stress, and while she doesn’t have to do it alone, before she just had herself and her daughter.  I don’t think he realizes that every time he talks about resorting back to burglary to solve their financial problems, he is causing her even more stress, even more worry, even more health problems.  If he is not part of the solution, he becomes part of the problem.  That is no way to start a marriage.

She has made some important choices to alleviate some of the stress by moving and not letting the grown daughter move in with them.  They are utilizing different state and federal programs to help them with housing, etc.  However, her feelings of self loathing which carry over from previous childhood memories and bad choices she has made in the past  is holding her back from her dreams.  We need to realize that your past is not who you really are.  What you did in the past is no reflection of who you truly are inside your soul.  All of us do things we are not proud of, especially if we are a single mother and have to make survival choices we would rather not do.  However, if we hold on to those choices and beat ourselves up continually, we will never be free to grasp the brass ring when it comes around.  In fact, not forgiving ourselves is as much a sin as not forgiving others.  Perhaps it is worse.  I ran across this quote:  “We are no longer happy as soon as we wish to be happier. — Landor  How true that is.

The second woman who has lost her driver’s license is a sad case of blaming others for our own shortcomings.  This woman is a gifted, talented artist.  She paints beautiful watercolors.  She lays ceramic tile, she has always got some creative project in the works.  However, she lives in constant chaos.  Her home is a reflection of her cluttered mind.  She and her family just exist in that house.  The children run wild while she ignores them.  The older children care as best they can for the younger.   She home schools most of her children because if seems easier and she doesn’t want them involved in the public school system.  However, some of her children are so-out-of control that the state has had to step in and insist that some of them attend school where they will get some sort of discipline and structure.

This woman is generous and kind and would give you the shirt off her back.  However, she is so overwhelmed with life, she disappears inside herself rather than nurturing her children.  She will lay ceramic tile for someone else rather than clean and organize her own home.  She will fight against her perceptions of the ills of society rather than look into her own shortcomings.  She will risk the consequences of not purchasing vehicle insurance because she feels that it is a scam that only benefits the insurance companies.    And when she is finally caught, she will rail against the system as unfair rather than face the problem and deal with it.  She forgets her court date which forces the very system she hates to come down on her with both fists.  She feels kicked in the stomach and unable to find her way out of the problem.  These problems are rearing their ugly head in all aspects of her life.  She feels beaten and hopeless.

How do we get ourselves into these positions?  If she were able to care properly for her children, the state would not be getting involved in her life in the first place.  While no children are perfect, if she were really present and available to her children, there may well be bumps along the way but not wide sweeping interventions.  And, if you could not tell already, her husband is typically emotionally absent as well as often physically absent, choosing to be at work or immersed in watching tv rather than in taking care of his role as head of the household.  She is left to take care of it all by herself.  Anyone would have trouble under these circumstance.  Why is he not making sure the vehicles are insured and safe for his family.  Why does he not seem concerned about his wife’s predicament?  It is certainly not all her fault.  It takes two. And at this point, it is obvious that she is not able to fight her way out of a paper bag.  The simple act of liability insurance would have solved all the problems arising from this police stop.  And, if she could have counted on her husband to have her back, she may not have forgotten her court date and she would not be facing possible jail time.  We create our own problems.  If we would just get out of  our own way, amazing things might actually happen.

The third woman is an ongoing struggle that doesn’t need to happen.  Alcoholics are notoriously destructive to themselves and everyone around them.  They are unreliable and problematic.  I hear women say that even as dysfunctional as their lives are, it is better than being alone.  I want to shake them and yell at them that they are co-dependent big time.  She allowed this person into her life 20 years ago because she was lonely and now she doesn’t know how to extricate herself from it.  It hasn’t gotten better over time, it has gotten worse and now, she is becoming as sick and paranoid as her companion.  And, yes, folks, they aren’t even married.  They only have a house in common and even that is not clear.  She may own the house outright.  She still doesn’t know if she owns the house or they both own the house.  She has let this unknown information control her life.  I really don’t think that she could do anything to make a change in her life at this point.  She is too embedded in the dysfunction to change, though she wants to.  I don’t think she has the strength to see it through.  She is afraid of life.  She is afraid of change.  She is afraid of having to do it alone, yet she is miserable.  She is now in her 50’s and has few opportunities as long as she stays in the relationship. On t of that the taxes on the home have not been paid in 3 years and they are in jeopardy of losing a house that is paid for free and clear because neither one will take responsibility for it.  “By darn, he is going to pay it or else!”  But what if he doesn’t?   It is a sad scenario, but one that is being repeated by other women all over this country.

It is better to be single and alone than to be stuck!  This is my quote!  I said that!

So, are you living in a chaos field?  Is your life crumbling and out of control?  Here is what to do first.  STOP!  Take a deep breath.  Then, sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write down your dreams.  Look at the list.  Look at what you have been missing.  Then, make a plan.  How are you going to get from this point to your goal?  This plan may change several times before you finally get it right.  Just the same, Make your plan.  Then, write down the steps you will need to do to get there.  Re arrange the list as many times as it takes in terms of priorities or from easiest to hardest.  Then, pick the first one and do it.  Don’t worry about time frames.  You are not in a hurry.  Take it one item at a time, one day at a time.  When you have accomplished the first item, cross it off and start on the second.  If you need to add one here or there, do so and don’t worry about it.  Don’t look too far down the list.  Keep your focus on the item you are working on.  Soon, you will look at the list and see a lot of items crossed off and that you are getting closer to reaching your goal.  No matter how long it takes, never give up.  Keep working on that list as slowly as you need to.  You have your whole life ahead of yourself.  This is not a “Bucket List” !  This is a living  life  list.  But remember one thing,  “A long Journey starts with a single step”.  And yes, it is a quote but I don’t know who said it.    You can’t reach your goal if you never start just like you can never win a contest that you never enter. I know there is a quote in there somewhere but beats me who said it.  LOL!

So, Make that plan and make that list.  Start your journey with a deep breath and a clear path of where you want to go.  If you don’t have a clear path, start anyway.  The clarity will come along the way.  You may change your mind along the way and that is OK.  It is the forward movement that you are after.  Once you start, you will never look back.  You’ll never be at square one again.  You won’t let yourself.

Here’s to moving forward!

Chris

Saving Whales

This season’s Whale Wars has stirred my emotions.  While I don’t condone ramming ships, this season’s impotence brought the  issues of whaling by the Japanese fleet to a head.  I feel, after seeing the show, that Captain Paul did not intentionally ram the Japanese ship.  They were trying to maneuver into a small opening to block the transfer of the whale carcass to the manufacturing ship.  It was an attempt to stop them, which went  badly.  The captain of the Sea Shepard would never endanger his crew or the ship in a fruitless ramming incident.  Things just turned badly as the ships were trying to maneuver in a small space.  The whaling ship cut the Sea Shepard off as the harpoon ship was trying to get close enough to transfer the carcass. In the video footage from the TV show, you can see him cranking the wheel with all his might to avoid a collision.  There was just not enough time or distance to accomplish this when the harpoon ship cut them off in an attempt to beat them to the manufacturing ship.  It will be interesting to see what the Australian government does.

The international law gives the Japanese the right to decide for themselves how much they will catch for research purposes.  And, since no meat can go to waste  as a result of the research, the Japanese have a perfect cover to continue to harvest these endangered creatures and continue to make a profit from selling the meat after the kill.  No one, and I repeat, no one needs over 900 whales each year to study.  Maybe 50, but mot over 900!  Can’t or won’t the countries of the world stand up to the Japanese and set legal limits on their hunting and killing the whale?  This would solve the problem.  There then would be no need for anyone to have to protect them.  It’s simple!  Set quotas and don’t let the Japanese government continue to slaughter these magnificent creatures!!!!

Go to www.seasheperd.org to find out more and to donate to this wonderful cause!

My Cat – Puddy

Puddy arrived September of  2003.  He will be six years old this September.  I was walking from the house to the mailbox down our 20ft. wide gravel driveway.  I heard this strange bird chirping.  It was a sound I had never heard before.  It sounded strangely sweet.  I walked to the mailbox and retrieved the mail.  As I was walking back to the house I again heard that strange bird.  I looked up and then looked over at the trees, but couldn’t see anything.  Suddenly the chirping drew me to look down.

There, a few inches from my foot was this small kitten.  He had drug himself all the way across the driveway from the field next door.  His hind legs didn’t seem to have much strength.  He was using his front legs to drag himself to me.  He was the chirping bird I had heard.

I picked him up.  I could hold him in the palm of my hand and he was still smaller than my palm.  His eyes weren’t open yet.  He had been abandoned by his mother.  My heart leaped and surged.  On one hand, my husband and I had decided we didn’t want pets to complicate our life.  A pet would compromise our freedom to come and go as we pleased.  Traveling would be a problem with a pet.  Who would we get to take care of one if we wanted to go gallivanting off somewhere?

But, despite all the negatives, I wanted to take care of this little creature.  I wanted to be its mommy.  I was afraid to love it.  I was afraid to let it get under my skin.  I called my husband, who was on a contract job in Virginia.  After explaining my predicament I asked him if it would be alright if we kept him.  He laughed and said, “Of course”.

It had been years since I had raised a baby kitten by hand.  I panicked.  What if I messed up?  What if I couldn’t do it?  I called the vet and took the kitten in.  She said that he was about 2 days old.  They gave me a small bottle, formula, and I tried to nurse him.  I found myself so afraid I would mess up, I almost cried.  I was worried.  But, I took him home and we worked it out.

It is now six years later.  This tiny ball of fluff now weighs almost 12 lbs.  But he is still my baby.  We called him baby because it just fit, until my grandchildren and daughter came to live with us.  They named him Puddy and it stuck.  I still sneak in a “baby” now and then when he climbs up on my lap, stretches his paws out on the huggie blanket he has had since he was a kitten, and nurses on the blanket while I sit in my recliner.  After all, I am his mommy.

I’ll share more of his antics later.  For now, Puddy, meet readers.  Readers, meet Puddy.

Chris

It’s been a while and I finally self-published my children’s book

Sorry it has been such a long time since I posted.  I have spent the last three months very ill.   I had a week long hospital stay and then outpatient treatment for two more weeks.  I am still not back to normal but getting better every day.  I am just very tired and can’t do a whole lot yet.

I did want to say that my grand daughter gave up the legal fight because after spending $100.00 for a consultation, the attorney never returned our phone calls and never let us know what her legal standing was or that he was going to help us.   She went back to her original state where she had applied for a driving permit, took her driver’s course there, took her driving test, and then will return Monday, hopefully.  It has been three weeks in which she jeopardize her job to do this, but luckily her boss is a kind and understanding man who allowed her to do this despite the hardship it has caused him.  When she returns, she will have a legal driver’s license.

We discovered very quickly that she could not even look at apartments without picture Id, and when her purse was stolen with what ID she did have, she was in real trouble.  She couldn’t even use the services of a notary.  She could not register to vote.  She could not do anything.   Now, hopefully with this done, she can begin to have a normal life.  We can hope!!!!!!

Now, to the children’s book… It is called Muddley.  It is about a Bigfoot with a very big problem!  He stinks!.   Friends don’t let friends stink.  So they collaborate together to solve the problem.   It is a story whose time has come now that even scientists are becoming more excited about the prospects of discovering this illusive creature.  As they research, they are finding more and more evidence that it does exist and we think you will find it entertaining!  It also introduces children to the possibilities of such a creature.  Who knows, your child may become one of the researchers who actually discovers it. It will definitely peek their curiosity and provides an opportunity for stimulating conversation and discussions with your child on the subject of Cryptozoology and other fields of science.  With the addition of documentaries from the Discovery channel and others, this book could spark the imagination of your little scientist.d

It is for ages pre-school through 3rd or 4th grade.   You can purchase it at:  http://www.cactusventures.com.  Just click on the link on the left had side of the page “Muddley Book Sale”.  It will take you directly to it.  There are several illustrations there so you can see the quality of the art.  You can purchase it through PayPal.

We are also interested in perhaps providing our customers with t-shirts with the illustrations from the book.  You can e-mail me and let me know if this is something you would be interested in and which illustrations from the book you would like to see made into t-shirts.  If you would also provide the size you would prefer, that helps us to make sure we order the right sizes and in the quantities that will be needed.

My cat is making it very clear he wants to be held.  He has climbed up on my keyboard and is licking my fingers.  I guess it is time for a little TLC.

Chris

Resolution: Down the road a bit

As with most issues, they are either resolved or not.  The warrant for my grand daughter has been dropped.  She has her good name back.  However, now we are determining what name that will be.

Today I think the tide turned.  She has finally gotten filled up with the toxins of her dysfunctional family and it’s drama.  She is fed up and tired of the struggle.  As with most teens, growing up can be difficult.  For my Granddaughter, who had never had control over her own money, never pumped gas, never used a debit card, never owned a credit card, this struggle has at times been overwhelming.

I have tried to guide her as best I could.  However, this name change thing was not so simple.  It seems that we were battling over the wrong things.  We were trying to create a paper trail that would link her birth certificate and her birth name to all her school records, after having used her stepfather’s name for most of her entire life.  That hasn’t worked out.  It has been a money pit and walls at every turn.  Today, however, we both came to the same conclusion.  She is not going to try and match everything.  Right now her goal is simply to change her social security card back to her birth name, take it and her birth certificate to the DMV, get a driver’s permit, get her license and only after that, will she worry about the name change. Whew!  What a roller coaster ride.

In trying to simplify everything we were just making it harder.  “What’s in a name?  A rose by any other would smell the same”   I think it is a quote from Shakespeare.  So, she takes back her birth name.  And, she finds solace in the fact that it will greatly irritate her mother and step father.  Paybacks are a bitch, after all.  Only when she is ready to take it further will we take up the course of changing her name.  Then, she can choose which ever one she wants or neither.    She told me today that she feels like a ton of weights have been lifted from her.  I’m happy for her.  And, if she chooses to take the GED again in her birth name just for the sake of legality, she can.  It doesn’t really matter at this point.  What she needs is a driver’s license, a car to get herself around, and independence.

As a symbol of her new found freedom and independence, she has changed her phone number.  Only those trusted friends will have it.  Her toxic family and toxic acquaintances left back in the state she came from,  will not.  I hope that this is the first step towards a happy, successful life.  Sometimes we have to leave those who set out to destroy us behind.

Chris

Another Snag!

The saga continues in trying to help my grand daughter.  We received a call from her older sister, who had opened her mail instead of forwarding it to us, as she should have done.  Evidently my grand daughter has a warrant out for her arrest on failure to appear three years ago on a minor trespassing charge.  She was 15 and it was a silly misunderstanding… but there was this charge.  Her mother had agreed to pay for it back then and told my grand daughter that she could pay her back as soon as she got a job when she turned 16.  My grand daughter thought it was taken care of.

She found a job when she turned 16 but she as most things happen in that household, it got put in the background and soon forgot.  Her mother never paid the fine.  She has all kinds of excuses, but basically, she never paid it, never told my grand daughter so she could pay it and never told us before bringing her out here that there was anything outstanding.  I guess she didn’t seem to care what happened to her daughter.  We called the court and explained the circumstances.  However, because there always seems to be something going on in that family, the court wants her to appear before the judge.  We are 2000 miles away.

She has graduated with her GED in the top 5% of the state.  She walks the stage in her cap and gown in June to receive her official GED.  Because of her efforts and example she has been featured in the local newspaper.  She is working and supporting herself while she continues to live with us. She now has her own checking account, her own credit card, pays her cell bill, and in every way, except living with us, supports herself.

We are trying to convince the court of her success by writing a letter along with the payment for her fine and court costs for not appearing in the first place.  We will try to explain the circumstances and hope that it will be accepted and her juvenile trespassing charges removed from her record.  Her Adult Ed teachers have offered themselves as reference for the judge if he wants to talk to them.  If for some reason this does not happen, we are ready to fly back with her and support her as she appears before the judge.  We hope this won’t be necessary, but we are ready.

We are teaching her about credit and checking accounts.  We are letting her experience, for the first time, having her own money and being able to have control over it.  Her mother would find some way to get hold of her money.  It was a sad situation.

Because of this she still will not be able to get her legal name change while this is an active case.  Once again, her mother’s choices are reaching out with long tentacles, hindering her from moving forward.  I can only imagine the devastation should she still be in those negative circumstances.  I don’t think she would be able to break free of the destructive hold her family would have over her.  We are thankful that she was able to turn to us for the help she needed because she is a good kid!

Why am I sharing this?  Because I want children to know that they can break free of neglect and abuse.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  They need to tell an adult and keep talking until someone listens.  Secondly, I want parents to know that the choices you make today can have far reaching effects down the road for your children.  We are hoping that this is the last of the problems from her past and that we can look to the future with excitement as she becomes the adult she was meant to be.

Chris