“We create our own reality”. Gee, where have I heard that before? A friend just said to me that the difference in being comfortable, rich or poor is in the mind and the spirit. Lately, I have been seeing this theory in ways I had not done so before. I have started observing people and noticed that some people live in a chaos field.
One woman who I visit monthly to check on her and her family, called me on the phone in tears. Her husband, unemployed, needed to take a job application to a business 30 miles away and they didn’t have the gas. She was beside herself with worry and fear. Her husband, who just happened to be on parole after 16 years in prison for theft, had not been able to find a job. She was working two jobs, and taking care of a grown daughter, who was contributing nothing to the household. The woman is just recently married, (her new husband despite his prison term, treats her well). However, she is at her limits emotionally, financially, and physically.
Another woman I know and have worked with on service projects within the community is going through her own trauma. A couple of weeks ago she and her 6 children were stopped by the police for expired tags. Now, the tags were no fault of hers due to a problem with the Department of Motor Vehicles and a change in policy that she was not aware of. However having no insurance was her problem. Needless to say, she is one of those people who seems to fight authority in general, whether it is the local school system, the fact that she believes insurance is a scam and so she refuses to purchase it, or that everyone is just plain out to get her. It is never her own fault. Her personal spirituality is in as much chaos as is the rest of her life. On top of not having insurance on her vehicle, she misunderstood the court date and did not appear and now, not only does she have a warrant out for her arrest, but she has had her driver’s license revoked until the fines are paid. She is considering spending the 15 days in jail rather than pay the fines since she doesn’t have the money. Her driver’s license will not be reinstated if she does this.
Yet, another woman I know is once again living without heat or lights because she takes no responsibility for her life. She has chosen to live with an alcoholic for the past 20 years, blames him for it all, and wonders why her life is in such chaos.
While I love these women, I share this with you because they are prime examples of creating their own Reality. I have heard it said that “We think, therefore we are”. I can’t give you the author of this. It could be as simple as the glass half full vs the glass half empty theory. Some people live right on the edge. Let’s dissect the differences in thinking patterns.
What is the one thing that each of these three women have in common? A Chaos Field– All three of these women seem to live a chaotic life. This does not mean that they are bad people. It just seems that no matter what they do, it all comes on glued. I have my own moments of: “What was I thinking?” I, (even knowing what I know right now), can take that seemingly Easy Road rather than face the issues and deal with them head on. This is a human frailty and I am as guilty as the next woman. However, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. Albert Einstein. In helping others see past their perceived obstacles, I also help myself to move forward.
The adjectives that describe these women’s lives are: scattered, frenzied, worried, fearful, depressed, stressed, frustrated, chaos, unorganized, exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, paralyzed, stagnant, visionless, cluttered, stuck, hopeless… the list can go on. All these adjectives describe someone who is going nowhere. For years my only two fears were abandonment and lack of financial security. I grew up desperately poor and to this day I find myself worrying about my own security. That worry and fear has affected many of my decisions in life–some for the good, but many for the bad. I can honestly say that there were times that I was so consumed with worry and fear about security that I didn’t enjoy my life. It affected every aspect of my life. “Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of men, as a whole, experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than out right exposure. Life is either Daring Adventure, or NOTHING” – Helen Keller
The following quote is something we need to embrace.
“All men and women are born, live, suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about… We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live.” Joseph Epstein
It is in the living that we have our worst problems in life. We sabotage ourselves at every crossroads and at every turn. We let our childhood experiences affect our present choices. We let our anger control our behavior. We let our fears stop us from trying new things and moving forward. We let hopelessness create despair and we let that despair destroy our dreams. We fail to organize our thoughts, our work, and our homes. We abandon our own personal responsibility for making our dreams come true. We blame others for our misfortune rather than acknowledge our own actions or inaction for the outcome. We take offense too easily. We retaliate to readily. We quit before we have even started. We remain an observer rather than participate in life. We live in squalor rather than clean up our personal spaces. We fail to plan ahead and let life happen instead of acting upon it, in it and to life. We tremble at change even if it means missing out on opportunities. We admonish ourselves with negative self talk. We care too much what others think of us and not enough about what we think of ourselves. We isolate ourselves instead of surrounding ourselves with a rich and loving support group. We self destruct when we should be thriving.
I feel that it all comes down to choices. We react when we should be thinking through things. I know for myself it has taken me a long time to be able to ask myself two important questions: “If I do this, what is the worst thing that could happen?” Quite a few years back I discovered a wonderful book in a dusty old used book store. I forget the author. It is probably out of print now. Its title was: “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living 365 days a year”. That was one book I wish I could have in my library again. Basically, the author explained that if we deal with the worst case scenario, anything less should be easy. So, when I am not sure about something I ask the question. Making a list of all the possible scenarios helps me to clarify the value I place on the possible outcomes. If the good outweighs the bad, it can provide me with a plausible solution to my dilemma. There are times when I find doing nothing the best idea. I will explain later with a personal experience to explain this.
The second question is: “Is what I am doing going to get me closer to my goal?” Once again, If you have a goal in mind, doing things that won’t advance you on that path to your goal is a waste of time, effort and money. Having goals and keeping them in sight are important to transforming your life from chaos to calm and steady. I will give you an example: My husband as always wanted to live a life of leisure. His idea of a quality life would be owning only a bicycle and carrying all his possessions in a box on the back of it. He has alluded to wanting to live his life as a beach comber. Responsibilities are the last thing that he really wanted in life. Yet, he has had to work all his life. Why, you ask? Because despite wanting a responsibility free life, he also like things. He is a spend thrift. Money burns a hole in his pocket. He has to fill his life with things; the latest techie gadgets, the latest kitchen gadget, the latest gadget period. In order to buy things he has to work. In order to work, he has to have responsibilities. He has to make money, he has to work, and that means being a slave to earning a living. These are two diametrically opposing needs at war with themselves. So, to indulge the need for things he has sacrificed his yearning for a bicycle and a box. He lives with his regrets to this day. Had he asked the question, he might have found a way to have both by compromising. He could have retired early if he had used fiscal restraint. He might have been able to travel more if he had kept his wallet in his pocket a little more. So, having things is not always a blessing. First, you must have some place to house those things. That takes money. You have to clean and maintain those things. That takes time and money. And, when you run out of places to keep those things, you have to get a bigger place, which takes money. There is a lot to say for a simpler life!
Now, back to the worst case scenario…recently, my daughter and I have been trying to get her son into a very innovative charter school that is about to open its doors for the first time. This charter school entrance is based on parent participation. Since my daughter has been in college and now working full-time, she has not been able to do much in the way of volunteering to help get the school operating. However, we work in tandem as a team. Where there are gaps, my husband and I fill them. It was logical for us to attend the meetings. It was normal for us to attend parent/teacher conferences. It was us who saw that homework was done. It was us who provided transportation to and from school and to all extracurricular events. It was us who acted in her absence for the past 5 years. Without warning or any previous communication from the school board that hinted of a problem, she received a certified letter, return receipt requested. It stated that her son’s admissions to this school was in jeopardy if she did not attend a particular meeting and join a committee. It was impossible for her to attend this meeting. Not only did they admonish her about failing to attend, they went as far as to state that no substitutes would be allowed. Only parents were to attend. We just looked at each other. We both knew that she could not attend. And, while I was prepared to attend, and had even contacted them about volunteering my own time in her stead, here they were invalidating my contribution while they put a gun to her head. She just threw up her hands and gave up. Yes, they provided a phone number to call and plead our case, but getting him into this school was becoming more like clawing and scratching to cement a place that wasn’t even guaranteed.
I thought about this for quite a while before writing my letter to the board. Basically, I let them know how we felt about the certified letter, the veiled threats, the need for them to go to this length of sending a certified letter, and the invalidation of the contributions we make in his life even though I had volunteered in her stead. We were one of those non traditional single parent extended families that they seemed to be weeding out. The letter I got back from one of the board members was defensive, patronizing, and terse. Basically, she told us that it was our fault that we had misunderstood the letter because we evidently hadn’t read it completely. My first reaction was insult. I wanted to lash out and let her know she was not dealing with a stupid person. I wanted to tell her all the reasons why she was WRONG! I wrote it and when I was done I saved it in draft. I wanted to think on it before pushing the send button. Yes, I am learning!!!!!!!
It is still sitting in draft. I could send it and start a war of words and hurt feelings. That is the worse case scenario. However, upon reflection, nothing I can say will change anything. We as a family have decided that perhaps this school is not the wonderful opportunity we had at first thought. We will use our limited resources and time to improve the educational opportunities here in the middle school that my grandson attends now. We have battled for years in the local school system to improve things and this year is the first year he is really enjoying himself. We know what we have and perhaps new is not always better. We will remove his application from consideration and open up a spot for some other child who may need this opportunity more. I won’t send the draft. It will serve no purpose but to inflame emotions and insight a war. Having made that choice, I feel a great weight lift from my shoulders. I can feel disappointed, but know that this letter opened our eyes to flaws in our concepts of what the school was about. It allowed us to make an informed decision as to whether we wanted him to attend or not. I hold no animosity toward them because they can create any kind of school that they want. We have a choice to send him or not. We made a decision and it is their eventual loss.
I think it is time to explain the chaos field and why it is necessary to change our thinking to alleviate it. Living in chaos, (on the edge), all the time expends a lot of energy that we could use for better things. Take the first example of the woman married to the man just out of prison. While he is good to her most of the time, he is also a drain on her resources, emotions, and health. She now not only has to worry about herself and her grown daughter, but her new husband who is struggling emotionally with his unemployment. While it is admirable that he wants to change his life and wants to provide for his new bride, his depression, his mood swings, his hopelessness is sapping her limited emotional resources, adding to her health problems through worry and stress, and while she doesn’t have to do it alone, before she just had herself and her daughter. I don’t think he realizes that every time he talks about resorting back to burglary to solve their financial problems, he is causing her even more stress, even more worry, even more health problems. If he is not part of the solution, he becomes part of the problem. That is no way to start a marriage.
She has made some important choices to alleviate some of the stress by moving and not letting the grown daughter move in with them. They are utilizing different state and federal programs to help them with housing, etc. However, her feelings of self loathing which carry over from previous childhood memories and bad choices she has made in the past is holding her back from her dreams. We need to realize that your past is not who you really are. What you did in the past is no reflection of who you truly are inside your soul. All of us do things we are not proud of, especially if we are a single mother and have to make survival choices we would rather not do. However, if we hold on to those choices and beat ourselves up continually, we will never be free to grasp the brass ring when it comes around. In fact, not forgiving ourselves is as much a sin as not forgiving others. Perhaps it is worse. I ran across this quote: “We are no longer happy as soon as we wish to be happier. — Landor How true that is.
The second woman who has lost her driver’s license is a sad case of blaming others for our own shortcomings. This woman is a gifted, talented artist. She paints beautiful watercolors. She lays ceramic tile, she has always got some creative project in the works. However, she lives in constant chaos. Her home is a reflection of her cluttered mind. She and her family just exist in that house. The children run wild while she ignores them. The older children care as best they can for the younger. She home schools most of her children because if seems easier and she doesn’t want them involved in the public school system. However, some of her children are so-out-of control that the state has had to step in and insist that some of them attend school where they will get some sort of discipline and structure.
This woman is generous and kind and would give you the shirt off her back. However, she is so overwhelmed with life, she disappears inside herself rather than nurturing her children. She will lay ceramic tile for someone else rather than clean and organize her own home. She will fight against her perceptions of the ills of society rather than look into her own shortcomings. She will risk the consequences of not purchasing vehicle insurance because she feels that it is a scam that only benefits the insurance companies. And when she is finally caught, she will rail against the system as unfair rather than face the problem and deal with it. She forgets her court date which forces the very system she hates to come down on her with both fists. She feels kicked in the stomach and unable to find her way out of the problem. These problems are rearing their ugly head in all aspects of her life. She feels beaten and hopeless.
How do we get ourselves into these positions? If she were able to care properly for her children, the state would not be getting involved in her life in the first place. While no children are perfect, if she were really present and available to her children, there may well be bumps along the way but not wide sweeping interventions. And, if you could not tell already, her husband is typically emotionally absent as well as often physically absent, choosing to be at work or immersed in watching tv rather than in taking care of his role as head of the household. She is left to take care of it all by herself. Anyone would have trouble under these circumstance. Why is he not making sure the vehicles are insured and safe for his family. Why does he not seem concerned about his wife’s predicament? It is certainly not all her fault. It takes two. And at this point, it is obvious that she is not able to fight her way out of a paper bag. The simple act of liability insurance would have solved all the problems arising from this police stop. And, if she could have counted on her husband to have her back, she may not have forgotten her court date and she would not be facing possible jail time. We create our own problems. If we would just get out of our own way, amazing things might actually happen.
The third woman is an ongoing struggle that doesn’t need to happen. Alcoholics are notoriously destructive to themselves and everyone around them. They are unreliable and problematic. I hear women say that even as dysfunctional as their lives are, it is better than being alone. I want to shake them and yell at them that they are co-dependent big time. She allowed this person into her life 20 years ago because she was lonely and now she doesn’t know how to extricate herself from it. It hasn’t gotten better over time, it has gotten worse and now, she is becoming as sick and paranoid as her companion. And, yes, folks, they aren’t even married. They only have a house in common and even that is not clear. She may own the house outright. She still doesn’t know if she owns the house or they both own the house. She has let this unknown information control her life. I really don’t think that she could do anything to make a change in her life at this point. She is too embedded in the dysfunction to change, though she wants to. I don’t think she has the strength to see it through. She is afraid of life. She is afraid of change. She is afraid of having to do it alone, yet she is miserable. She is now in her 50’s and has few opportunities as long as she stays in the relationship. On t of that the taxes on the home have not been paid in 3 years and they are in jeopardy of losing a house that is paid for free and clear because neither one will take responsibility for it. “By darn, he is going to pay it or else!” But what if he doesn’t? It is a sad scenario, but one that is being repeated by other women all over this country.
It is better to be single and alone than to be stuck! This is my quote! I said that!
So, are you living in a chaos field? Is your life crumbling and out of control? Here is what to do first. STOP! Take a deep breath. Then, sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write down your dreams. Look at the list. Look at what you have been missing. Then, make a plan. How are you going to get from this point to your goal? This plan may change several times before you finally get it right. Just the same, Make your plan. Then, write down the steps you will need to do to get there. Re arrange the list as many times as it takes in terms of priorities or from easiest to hardest. Then, pick the first one and do it. Don’t worry about time frames. You are not in a hurry. Take it one item at a time, one day at a time. When you have accomplished the first item, cross it off and start on the second. If you need to add one here or there, do so and don’t worry about it. Don’t look too far down the list. Keep your focus on the item you are working on. Soon, you will look at the list and see a lot of items crossed off and that you are getting closer to reaching your goal. No matter how long it takes, never give up. Keep working on that list as slowly as you need to. You have your whole life ahead of yourself. This is not a “Bucket List” ! This is a living life list. But remember one thing, “A long Journey starts with a single step”. And yes, it is a quote but I don’t know who said it. You can’t reach your goal if you never start just like you can never win a contest that you never enter. I know there is a quote in there somewhere but beats me who said it. LOL!
So, Make that plan and make that list. Start your journey with a deep breath and a clear path of where you want to go. If you don’t have a clear path, start anyway. The clarity will come along the way. You may change your mind along the way and that is OK. It is the forward movement that you are after. Once you start, you will never look back. You’ll never be at square one again. You won’t let yourself.
Here’s to moving forward!
Chris